Me, Myself & Baby I

Out of the mouths of babes

Archive for the category “Reality TV”

Overnight or Over-My-Dead Body

Since Emily cheated us all out of the fantasy suites, I have decided to forgo doing anymore Bachelorette posts.

I get that Emily has to set a good example because she is a mom.  I can respect that.  BUT….

  1. What kind of example is Emily setting when she’s making out with several guys within hours of each other? She’s been stringing these guys along all season.
  2. Why was Emily able to stay in the fantasy suite with Brad?
  3. Why is it ok to get paid to be staring on The Bachelorette?

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so we’ll just let these speak for themselves:

 

I’m wondering if anyone really holds the key to Emily’s heart.

 

How Emily May Be More Hollywood Than We Realized

This season of The Bachelorette feels as contrived as the mega-Hollywood marriage that just went kaput.  Let us observe some similarities:

  1. The protective mom seeking the right father-figure for her daughter.
  2. One wore braces while the more impatient flashes shiny white veneers.
  3. Contracts.
  4. The tabloids are having a field day.
  5. Will the third time be a charm or 3 strikes you’re out?
  6. Scientology & Mormons.
  7. Ended it with Chris.
  8. It’s down to A FEW GOOD MEN—On hometown dates, Jef pulled out his TOP GUN; no CRUISE control for Arie the racecar driver and Sean pulled some RISKY BUSINESS when it came to where he lives.

While no one has jumped on any couches, the suitors have been professing their undying love and affection.

A Win By Default: Everyone Else is Seriously Flawed

Ahhhh, another Tuesday.  It’s a good thing I am not writing this week’s Bachelorette recap because I was disgusted with last night’s episode and wondering why I continue to watch the show.  Instead I am thrilled to be offering a heterosexual man’s point-of-view.

Ben Robinson was nearly considered to be nominated for a Webby for his groundbreaking Bachelor/ette/Pad recaps for TheKingsburyFactor.com. He’s 6-foot-1, tons of fun, and only tucks in his shirt at weddings. He also really likes your shoes today.

In week 3 of this Bachelorette season, I didn’t even know who Sean was. Now, I’m 100% certain he’s going to win. Here’s why.

Let me first say that I avoid spoilers like the plague, even though thanks to the Internet, spoilers are more communicative than said zoonotic disease that killed everyone. I don’t even read US Weekly covers during the season. And trust me, being a good boy and staring intently at the chewing gum section while waiting in line at the grocery checkout is really not that fun. Although those Trident Layers are pretty cool. So rest assured this is 100% untainted analysis, and all conclusions are derived from a combination of keen observation, recurring tendencies I’ve picked up on over my years of writing about the show, and a Magic 8-Ball I bought at a yard sale last weekend.

After this season’s first episode, I consulted on a Bachelorette office pool (they have those!) for a friend of mine. The idea was basically to distribute a set amount of points among the guys you thought were going to make it the most weeks into the show. I gave her an airtight Top 5 and told her to figure out how to actually award said points, because I can’t add. Right at the top of my list were Football Ryan and Arie, along with Doug because of that note he forced his kid to write under threat of no protein bars for dessert, and Nate, because he was handsome and Emily said he smelled good when he got out of the limo. For the fifth slot I tossed in One-F Jef, on a hunch I can barely even explain.

Obviously Nate was a weird mute who loved mispronouncing edible seeds beloved by healthy people, while dining in caves (“Is this keeen-ohhh-ahh?”), so that couldn’t have been more off-base. It was also very difficult to tell that Ryan was a sociopath with an overriding god complex as we watched him instruct children on the proper form for high-knees during sports warm-up drills. It’s really so much easier to pick which chick’s gonna win.

Notice that Sean is nowhere to be seen. My entire take on him after the first episode was “Sean: My only note, from when he got his rose, was ‘don’t remember him.'” Like I said, I didn’t even really notice him until week 3, when Emily’s oddly old, frighteningly horny “friend” Wendy forced him to strip and do push ups. But despite all that, and even though his early unremarkability probably cost me a friend because her me-guaranteed bracket has since gone bust, Sean’s winning this thing. And here’s why.

Let’s break him down:

Looks: Probably because I’m remarkably straight for someone who writes about the Bachelorette for fun, I’m not always the best at telling exactly how attractive women find men. But he seems to be at least handsome enough, and his Men’s Health, ex-college football player deltoids don’t hurt things. Let’s give him an 8, mainly for said deltoids.

Career: He sells insurance. 2.

Personality: Obviously not a “hey, look at me!!” kinda guy, which isn’t the worst thing in the world, especially since Emily wants to ensure everyone spends their time looking at her. At least somewhat intelligent. Quiet. Treats her how men from Texas who aren’t that possibly lobotomized dude from The Glass House tend to treat women. Easygoing; seems to get along with the other guys, which isn’t always the simplest thing. Very nice. Kinda boring. 6.

Father Potential: Claims he wants kids, but he also says literally everything right when he talks to Emily, so who knows. Sean is not a boat-rocker. He couldn’t rock a dinghy in the Perfect Storm. Seems even-keeled enough to be up to the challenge, especially with Lil’ Ricki, who you know Emily KNOWS she knows how to parent, and will not tolerate any alternative views on that, like, hey, “maybe we should get her a My Little Pony bedroom set instead of an elevated Persian bed with flowing drapery.” 7.

Intangibles: Played college football, yet is not Ryan. 9.

As I’m sure you notice, those numbers are ok but certainly not mind-blowing. And that doesn’t matter. Because when it comes down to it, this will be essentially a win by default. Everyone else is seriously flawed; Sean just happens to be less so. This is like Reagan v. Mondale, if Mondale was put up against a bunch of former or current fitness models and an Indy Car driver on a reality dating show. Sean, obviously, is Reagan, but less senile. The problems with everyone:

Jef: Ohhh, Jef. So yeah, Jef is probably not-straight. He compares children to vintage Chloe handbags and refuses to kiss Emily on highly romantic beaches. His hair takes four hours every morning to get so perfectly asymmetrically imperfect. He wears knee-high socks with shorts. His suits are way too nice. He’s very oddly good at puppeteering. He uses said puppets to tell Emily’s puppet that Jef’s puppet loves Emily’s puppet, because he is afraid of her, and probably not-straight. While I’m sure she already has a gay best friend, I can’t imagine Emily also wants a gay husband. God bless ya, though, Jef.

Arie: All season long, I’ve said Arie is going to go deep but won’t win. This is because Arie doesn’t want to win. He’s an insanely wealthy playboy race car driver who’s probably slept with as many women as Wilt Chamberlain slept with in August 1973, but that was like 700 women, so it’s pretty good. The whole sleeping with producers thing certainly didn’t help, but it did get him to a place even further along than he had been, with all the love talk she seemed to eat right up. But the fact is, he doesn’t want to be locked down at this point of his life; I always assumed his plan was to make it to the final two, then come up with some excuse to get out, so he can either 1) become the next Bachelor or 2) just go back to banging the daughters of the dudes on Dario Franchiti’s pit crew.

Chris: He’s younger than her and more than kinda losing his grip on the whole situation. His breakdown at the rose ceremony last night was more of a reason to cut him than to keep him, and I’m honestly not sure why she chose the latter. She seems to dig him for some odd reason but it’s just not happening; she can’t trust her kid with him and he’s not the smartest crayon in the shed. The advantage he has going into hometowns is he doesn’t really have to fight for her attention from here on out and keep freaking out like he likes to. Everyone gets an equal look, and he doesn’t even have to worry about even seeing the other dudes he hates so much the rest of the way. He kinda reminds me of Brad in certain ways, but you have to remember that Emily didn’t choose Brad, he chose her because she was the hottest, which she accepted because she saw the imminent value (i.e., ability to one day star on this very show) of the long con. There’s no point in conning this dude. Also, he’s kinda a spazzy loser

Which leaves Sean. Congrats, Sean! You’re just weeks away from being kinda-maybe-engaged to an admittedly knockout woman with possibly serious attention-craving issues and a daughter named after an I Love Lucy character. Now do some push ups.

Read Ben’s full recap of Episode 7 in Prague at http://www.thekingsburyfactor.com/2012/06/this-weeks-bachelorette-recap-because_26.html

Do you agree with Ben? 

ABC Bachelor Producers Should Have Consulted Me & Who’s In it To Win It

Today’s guest Bachelorette blog is written by my college friend Kerrie who is a huge fan of the entire Bachelor franchise and has faithfully watched every season (with the exception of one) since Season 2 of the Bachelor.  While she remains loyal to the show, her favorite Bachelor remains Andrew Firestone, and would like to send a special shout out to Bachelor Bob since he was by far the most entertaining one through the years.  Kerrie lives in Cape Cod with her husband, Alex, and their two boys, Quinn (age 5) and Nolan (almost 3).

I am a huge fan of the Bachelor. Yes, I even watch Bachelor Pad and I have stuck with the show during some pretty lackluster Bachelor choices (yes, I’m talking to you, Andy Baldwin).  I must admit none of the last three Bachelors/Bachelorettes would have been my top choice, and had the producers at ABC consulted me in advance, they could have rescued me and America from some rather tedious hours of television.  The show has suffered from featuring these relatively dull people who, quite frankly, are difficult to like and root for.  The last season really worth watching was the Jake and Vienna saga–now that was must-see TV.  They had such a volatile relationship and you never knew what would happen with those two crazy kids. Brad’s season (his second one—and why he was given a second chance is beyond me, but that’s a whole other story and a whole other blog post) held my interest, but then that led us into several seasons of boredom that have not come close to capturing the Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons of the past that I knew and loved.

That brings us to our current Bachelorette, Emily, who actually “won” Brad Wolmack’s season back in 2011.  If you can’t find love on national television the first time around, why not give it the old college try again?   We all loved Emily that season, but she’s not exactly a firecracker. Yes, Emily is sweet and pretty, and has that Southern belle charm, but, is it really necessary for a 26-year-old to wear so much make-up, not to mention implants and veneers to improve her appearance?  I have a really difficult time watching the show without thinking that she is a 38-year-old divorcee trying to reclaim her youth.  I am not sensing too many love connections, and she is really there just to find a husband. Not a soul mate, not someone she could grow old and happy with, but a husband and father for little Ricky, her young daughter whose father died before she was born.   While we are on the subject of Emily, can we talk about her obsession with sequins?  In my mind she wore no less than a dozen outfits with sequins tonight.  It’s as if she thinks she’s in a revival of “Dynasty.”

My husband has been a casual watcher of the show over the years (not necessarily by choice, but because I am such a devoted viewer), and he insists that there is no way that these 25 men would be so desperate to be married to Emily.  I agree with him that women tend to be more marriage-minded at a younger age than men, but while there are the fame seekers, some of these guys truly want to find love, and are there “for the right reasons.”   Obviously my husband is unmoved by the tears that commence when the men don’t receive a rose.

I like to wonder what would happen if we were in the “real” world and Emily were to meet these men on her own. Would she truly choose to go on dates with any of them if given the opportunity, or is she only doing so because she has a contractual obligation to ABC to see it through?   I can’t imagine a guy like Jef (yes, that’s Jef with one f) would have the courage to go up to her to ask her for a date, let alone have her consent to go out for drinks.  The only guys who she likely would go on a date with are Sean and Arie, who coincidently are the only two men who have any sort of chemistry with her.

Over many seasons of the Bachelor and Bachelorette, the group dates have somehow evolved from more “fun” excursions where the only real competition is vying for the most time with the Bachelor or Bachelorette, to a hard-core competition where the dominant alpha males prevail.  Yes, guys in real life also like to show off, but must ABC try to make the weaker men feel shamed?   Doesn’t anyone go to dinner and a movie anymore?  And I don’t mean seeing “Brave” in an absolutely blatant plug for Disney.  Shame on you, ABC!  As one of my fellow Bachelor-watchers commented, they are continually veering further and further into “Big Brother” territory with all these movie and product tie-ins.  And, was it me, or was the competition and movie more appropriate for Scotland than Croatia?  Perhaps they were supposed to film there and the plans somehow got sidetracked.

I must give Emily kudos for sticking to her guns and getting rid of two guys she was unsure of during the one-on-one-dates.  I know ABC was not too pleased since they have to figure out how they can make it to the last episode when she keeps getting rid of too many men, but I support her decision.  Both Travis and Ryan got sent packing after she realized they weren’t the ones, albeit for two very different reasons. Travis would make a wonderful husband to someone someday, and I have no doubt he will find a nice woman and have a dozen kids. Ryan, on the other hand, will continue to be an egotistical douchebag, and as time goes on and his looks wane, he will one day find himself bald, fat and alone in a saloon drinking a scotch at the end of the bar.  I am a little worried that it took Emily so long to see Ryan for what he truly was, and I still don’t think she will realize this fully until she sees the episodes air.  Did she not see his “wink?”  He is by no means an a#%hole on par with Wes or Bentley, but he’s as sketchy and skeevy as they get.  Ryan was “in it to win it” and I may have to start boycotting the show if he prevails on his desire to be the next Bachelor.

On to my favorite Bachelorette contestant of this season, Arie.  He is just absolutely adorable and truly seems to care about Emily.  Of all the men left, I think he would make a wonderful husband and father, and if Emily doesn’t realize this by the end, she doesn’t deserve him.  True, he does not have a son at home like Doug, but is that truly a way to build a relationship when the only thing you have in common is the fact that you both have children (and not with one another)?   In the beginning I was worried that the race car factor would be a negative, but they haven’t delved into that too much.  I have high hopes for Arie not only making it to the “final two,” but for him to be the next Bachelor if things don’t work out with Emily.  The last Bachelorette contestant I liked this much was Chris from Cape Cod, and two years later he is still a stand-up guy, and even though I was upset that he turned down being the next Bachelor, it showed his true character. Even though this season hasn’t brought any amazing moments, I am still looking forward to watching upcoming episodes to see who “wins” Emily’s heart. Will this finally be the season where a couple lasts beyond a year or two?   I know Trista and Ryan are quaking in their boots.

& The Butterflies in My Stomach Drowned Everything Else Out

Prior to tying the knot on April 28, 2012 and moving to Boston, 2012, fellow publicist/friend Megan Kessler was my weekly Monday night date to watch The Bachelor franchise with, along with enjoying Chinese food and a good bottle of wine.  So I had to get this reality junkie’s take on this season’s Bachelorette.

Me & Megan on her wedding day

“If Rikki were baggage, she’d be a Chloe handbag”…

And if you were into Emily – or women for that matter – you wouldn’t have said that, Jef.

I’m not going to kick this off with the much-anticipated one-on-one date shared by Sean and Emily.  I think that date speaks for itself. If we could fast forward to the final proposal night, I think there are two guys who we all know will be there – Sean and Arie (or maybe Ryan, by some miracle, but Sean without a doubt).

So let’s get back to what was, by far, the most cringe-worthy date of the night – Emily and Jef.

Every season there is that one guy that just keeps hanging on for whatever perplexing reason.  This season, it’s Jef.  Sure, he’s a great dresser, easygoing, rocks a crazy faux-hawk, and looks kind of like one of those teen dreamboats from the ‘80’s movies, but there is absolutely NO chemistry between him and Emily.  And now, I think we all know why.  You have got to love how Emily just keeps telling Jef episode after episode that she thinks he’s “just not that into her.” It seems to me she’s so obsessed with the fact that he’s not fawning all over her that she’s missing the point:  this guy is NOT going to be the father of your kid, and he’s NOT going to have a million babies with you.  He might hang out with you and all your mom friends to gossip in park, go clothes shopping with you, and have “dance parties” with you and Rikki.

Now, that said, I can’t blame really blame Emily for wanting to have a conversation that’s actually interesting with one of her many suitors.  The rest of the crew has a shared vocabulary which seems to include only “Emily looks beautiful tonight,” “Emily is gorgeous,” and “I’m ready to be a dad.”  So, yeah, I can see why she might want to keep Jef around for his gift of gab.  But please, oh please, let’s not have any more make out sessions with these two!

Next up, Daddy Doug’s blabber mouth…  I’ve thought that Doug is a weirdo from day one, so I really enjoyed all of his murderous facial expressions as he kept getting ABSOLUTELY NO CREDIT from Emily for clueing her in to Kalon’s transgression.  She just kept saying over and over again “I can’t believe none of you told me what Kalon said – none of you stuck up for me!”  Meanwhile, we all watched as goody-two-shoes Doug blabbed the entire thing to her – and confronted Kalon before he did it.  I have to give Doug credit, though.  I must have taken a lot of will not to “remind” her that she’d still be in the dark if not for him.  I was practically yelling this at the TV screen last night.  Not that I’d want to see her with Doug anyway – but seriously, this guy just keeps getting screwed over.   I guess he did get the first rose, though, so that was Emily’s not-so-subtle way of thanking him.

On the same note, Arie being last to get a rose definitely got Emily’s point across that not even the most smoldering of kisses will make up for him being a lame duck during her Kalon confrontation.  I’m on Arie’s side on this one, though.  If I’m in the middle of yelling at someone, I’d prefer that my man stay out of it and just agree with me later that I’m not crazy and I had every right to totally flip out.  I wouldn’t want – or need, for that matter – for him to jump into my argument and say threatening things.  I guess that’s what Emily wants, though, so maybe she should go for Chris, who won’t “stand down” to anyone, especially not Daddy Doug.

As for Sean, I think we can all agree that he’s just about the most adorable man on the planet.  I couldn’t get enough of his and Emily’s make-out session before the rose ceremony. I actually don’t even remember what they were talking about – the “butterflies in my heart” drowned everything else out.

And I’ve never said that before…seriously!

My Reality: Just Being Me

I am “back to reality” after taking the red-eye home from a fabulous quick weekend trip to California.

Truthfully, I debated if I should bother reading – especially spending money buying- My Reality but I had a cross-country flight and nothing on my must-read now list.  It’s kinda tha same as, “Should I even bother watching another season of this ridiculous reality series?”

Melissa Rycroft is a lucky lady who studied finance and ended up with a super exciting career in in television.  As she illustrates in her biography, sometimes it pays off to be yourself.

“I think the most important thing I’ve learned from all of this, which I will take with me into whatever I do next – whether it’s in the entertainment world or not – is the importance of being brave enough to take chances and try new things…..Why not?  The worst that can happen is that it won’t work out.”  (page 235)

Melissa never badmouths Jason Mesnick and/or Molly.  I am surprised she would ever get involved with a Jewish guy given how important her Christian faith is to her.

Melissa is definitely not a Bachelor statistic.  She’s sweet and genuine and likeable.  The cameras like her.  Friends like her.  Fans like her.  Producers like her.  She does recognize that she offered “the perfect combustible material for good TV.”  (page 144)

She explains, “The longer I was outside of the ‘Bachelor Bubble,’ the easier it was for me to get some perspective.  I really think that all of the qualities that made my girlfriends decide to sign me up for The Bachelor – my vulnerability, my low self-esteem, my desperation to be in a serious relationship-were exactly what made me so susceptible to the ‘Bachelor Bubble’.”  (page 154)

It took Melissa going on The Bachelor to get her boyfriend Tye to give up his infamous bachelor life, including his bachelor pad, and finally commit to her.

“The bad times I went through definitely make me appreciate the good times now.”  (page 236)

I read the entire book front to back (240 pages) in less than 2.5 hours on the plane.  Anyone who has ever flirted with appearing on reality TV should read this book.  I do wish Melissa talked more about filming during her season as a contestant on the Bachelor (especially details about what really happens in the fantasy suite) but contractually she probably is not allowed to.

She does say, “…reality TV has this way of airing what it wants you to believe.”  (page 229)  “We went on three dates on the show.  We didn’t know each other well enough to know if we were in love or even compatible enough to get married.  (page 226)  “…Jason never really had a chance to steal my heart-because it belonged to someone else at the time.”  (page 227)

I am truly happy for Melissa’s successes both on and off-camera.  I have last Sunday night’s one hour finale of Melissa and Tye (CMT) on DVR but I am already curious when season 2 starts.

Bravo TV Project Casting NYC Moms with School-Aged Children (Media Opp)

Leopard Films, USA producers of the highly popular HGTV series House Hunters International, is casting for a Bravo TV project centered around Manhattan-based mothers with school-aged children who will do nothing short of making sure their child/children are always given the best of everything and nothing short of it. These mothers will make sure their kids get into the best schools, camps, extracurricular activities and anything else they feel will add substance to their child’s life.

If you or someone you know fits the bill and you’d like to submit for this fun project please send am email to Danielle Gretz at query-27ev@helpareporter.net.   Include your name, a recent photo, contact info, a bit about your family life, a brief description of your mothering skills and explain what makes you stand out from the pack.

Deadline to submit is June 22, 2012 by 10AM EST.

Good luck!  Maybe I’ll be seeing you on TV!

The Guys Versus Themselves Versus Bachelorette Emily, and Why Ryan Needs To Go NOW

On Monday nights, not only do I watch my guilty pleasure, The Bachelorette, but I simultaneously participate in a Facebook Bachelorette “thread” organized by a college friend’s brother.  Mary-Alice, one of the thread participants, who makes such insightful, and often snarky comments on the thread, is recapping her feelings—without holding anything back– on last night’s episode of The Bachelorette in Bermuda.

Mary-Alice Farina is a former academic who watches the Bachelor franchise nonetheless. She writes for a small Internet publishing company, and is also pursuing a fledgling acting career. She loves to tweet and you should follow her at ‏@mafalicious.

This season has already seen more male tears and near fights than any other in recent years… and we’re just getting warmed up. Chalk it up to the months (possibly even years) of anticipation these guys have endured to meet Emily Maynard, the striking beauty with an adorable personality. She is the legendary fairy tale princess of reality television: beautiful, kind, rich (the late father of her child was NASCAR royalty), and somewhat ensnared by the tragic hand of cards she was dealt.

Enter her would be Prince Charmings.  Since day one, they have understood how high the stakes are. They have understood that megababes like Emily don’t usually have sweet personalities made wise by tragic pasts. They have understood that there can only be one victor, and that the losers aren’t losing an average girl.  Emilys are not a dime a dozen.

So the warring factions have formed. Young versus old, naïve versus mature, fathers versus non-fathers, muscle-heads versus “dainty boys”(as one particularly nauseating contestant, Ryan, once remarked). So far, Emily seems to prefer the dainty boy-father-mature intersection of these cadres.

This weeks’ episode of The Bachelorette opens to an exciting announcement by Chris Harrison. “Pack your bags boys, plane leaves in 2 hours for your journey around the world!”

Emily awaits the muscle-bound gaggle in Bermuda, and we’re suddenly whisked away to the Caribbean and inundated with idyllic images of her and little Ricky, twirling around on hills in the sun.

Dramatic motorcycle sound effects and hell-raising music establish the mood for the guys’ big entrance. We finally see them on a pack of… mopeds. Ok, so they’re not quite as dangerous as they sounded.

After they settle into their palatial beachfront digs, Arie reads off the first date card. It’s Doug, and Emily says “Let our senses lead the way.”

Mushroom farmer Alejandro is getting nervous. He hasn’t had a one-on-one date with Emily yet and he’s anxious to get to know her.

Arie wants “the football team to disband, get down to the real stuff, not the bromance.”

The guys start teasing Doug a bit, and in his typically hypersensitive way (remember the poolside confrontation with Kalon?) Doug gets annoyed by Arie’s teasing and says “just let it go, bro, seriously.” He seems close to getting in Arie’s face when Emily enters.

She can tell something is awry: “I walk into the room and I feel tension. It was just a weird vibe. Everyone was really serious.”

We cut to Arie’s confessional again after Emily whisks Doug out of the room. “Doug was like the Hulk. ‘Doug angry, Doug smash! Doug sad,’” he jokes.

Emily waxes effusive for Doug in her voiceover as the date begins, the couple strolling arm in arm throughout the town. “He is so nice and so good-looking. I don’t think there is anyone I’d rather spend the day with.  We have such a connection, with him being a father. We get each other. He’s so positive, the conversation’s easy.”

Doug, the 33-year-old father of son Austin, just seems to get more and more perfect. His parenting philosophy? “I wanted to show him that one person could change the world so I started a charity to show him (son Austin).” Emily shakes her head in disbelief. “Of course you did,” she marvels.

Wary Emily, unlike so many stars of this show in the past, gets right to the tough questions. As she grills Doug, seemingly hoping to drudge up some dirt, the best he can do is to say his ex-girlfriend didn’t like how much time he spent with his son and that he didn’t wash her car enough.  Emily was extremely skeptical of this, insisting he must have more obvious flaws than that. When he turns the tables and asks her the same thing, all she can say is “I don’t work out and sometimes I wear my pajamas to the store.” She realizes that being put on the spot that way is nerve-wracking. He does admit, to her satisfaction, “you actually caught me getting grouchy. I had just scolded them all!” Emily mentions being happy he felt comfortable enough to tell her that.

Twenty minutes in, the group date card arrives: Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jeff, Sean, Arie, Travis and Kalon will be on this epically huge group date.

We cut back to the date with Emily and Doug. “I have not kissed a girl in months and months. I move pretty slow. I don’t ever make the first move. Ever.” A strange moment of inaction follows, and we have to imagine this is a foreshadowing of her eventual dissatisfaction with his hesitation.

It’s hard to get a good read on Doug. On the one hand, he is sweet, humble, devoted and altruistic. On the other hand, we’ve seen very off-putting flashes of temper brought about by what seems to be an extreme over-sensitivity.

The group date turns out to be a farce: the guys have to break into two teams and  race in sailboats to win a chance to spend the day with Emily.

Twenty minutes in, the group date card arrives: Charlie,Ryan, Chris, Jeff, Sean, Arie, Travis and Kalon will be on this epically hugegroup date.

We cut back to the date with Emily and Doug. “I have not kissed a girl in months and months. I move pretty slow. I don’t ever make the first move. Ever.” A strange moment of inaction follows, and we have to imagine this is a foreshadowing of her eventual dissatisfaction with his hesitation.

It’s hard to get a good read on Doug. On the one hand, he is sweet, humble, devoted and altruistic. On the other hand, we’ve seen very off-putting flashes of temper brought about by what seems to be an extreme over-sensitivity.

The group date turns out to be a farce: the guys have to break into two teams and race in sailboats to win a chance to spend the day with Emily.

Emily, watching, admits “To be honest, I hate watching guys compete for me…”  When the yellow team wins, Charlie and Sean are devastated.  The guys may even be shedding a tear or two. Emily notices. “It was hard for me to celebrate with the yellow team because the red team looked so sad,” she says.

As the red team drinks some victory champagne with Emily, Ryan puts his foot in his mouth, referring to Emily as a “beautiful trophy(possibly wife).” Emily is not amused, but ever graceful, plays it off.

She takes a couple of the guys onto the beach for some private time. Arie is first, establishing himself as well ahead of the pack in terms of private time spent with Emily. “I missed you,” he says softly, followed by a slightly awkward kiss. In confessional he admits (in a non-annoying way, we thought) “I’m so confident by what I have with Emily that I’m not threatened at all by anyone in he house.”

Jef is next to go to the beach with Emily. We hear him in an interview getting more nervous. “I want to matter to her, to mean something.”

Emily wants a kiss at the end of their beach time, but Jef is clearly stalling. He’s contemplating it, but resists the urge. Still, his sincerity is endearing.

Ryan gets some alone time next, and proceeds to alienate 50%of his female audience (and possibly Emily) with a narcissistic speech that rivals last season’s Bentley. He claims to have “a very mature approach to relationships. I’m not here to impress you but to make an impression on you.”  When she gets into her “tough question” mode, he interrupts her, hung up on the idea of how pretty their children would be. We’d have pretty kids,” he repeats at least 4 times, impressing upon us his utter narcissism. As if it weren’t despicable enough that he keeps repeating how good-looking, athletic and special he finds himself, he seems to be more concerned with using Emily as a tool to promulgate his superior genes than getting to know her. He is compelled to put her down, saying “at least you’re smart enough to know you’re not necessarily worthy of this attention just because you’re here. So why are you worthy?”

I was shuddering so much after that last line that I nearly lost my dinner. And unbelievably – Ryan actually gets worse.

Emily isn’t falling for it, thank God: “I feel like he’s judging me,” she says as she expresses her general wariness.

Emily gives Jef the group date rose, which Ryan sees as directly relating to their conversation. He actually thinks that Emily made this decision based on him, and calls it a “safe move,” because she knew giving it to Arie would upset him.

We move next to a double date with John and Nate in a cool cave. But Emily can’t help but admitting that it’s “just really awkward all around.”

The music shuts off, you can hear a pin drop. Jake talks about his family and gets choked up. She ultimately lets Jake go in favor of John, citing John’s seeming maturity and confidence as a reason to favor their chances.

With 45 minutes remaining, the dates are over and it’s cocktail hour. We catch a glimpse of Emily and Ricki going over Ricki’s lessons, as it seems the little one has a tutor for her studies on the road.

Alejandro still hasn’t had a date this week and feels he hasn’t had any opportunity to show Emily who he is.

It’s cocktail hour and Ryan has stolen Emily again. Foreboding thunder claps (the producers clearly want us to hate this guy, as they should) as Ryan and Emily talk. Arie takes the chance and interrupts Ryan’s private time, urged on by the other guys.

When Arie steps in, Ryan takes it in stride but in his narcissistic way, assumes it’s out of insecurity and jealousy rather than to keep Emily away from a douchebag (Arie’s admitted motivation).

Ryan then, in private fireside conversation, makes the ultimate reality dating show misstep: he reveals to one of the other guys that is “involved in media back home” and that he’d like this to be a career-making fame-booster. In his testimonials he fancies himself on a journey of which Emily is just a small stepping stone. “I like Emily,” he says, “but to be perfectly honest, I feel called to something bigger.”

Doug and Ryan bond in a transparently insecure way about their “security” in their age and their “maturity.”

Chris, the 25-year old kettle that is ready to boil over, takes Emily outside to make it clear to her that he is ready to be a father and he is mature… He inexplicably seems to feel that Doug is his threat.

He then cites a commitment to “being real” when he takes Doug outside to spout utter nonsense at him. Chris, stammering to Doug: “You’re just… over the top humble! I just don’t believe you. The way you act the way you … ARE! Just pisses me off!” Chris is not making a great case for his maturity.

Emily sits down to speak with the other Chris, host Chris.  She rightfully points out that Doug and Ryan seem to start the drama. She’s as giddy as a schoolgirl when Chris brings up Arie… and she admits it. Emily’s spidey sense is tingling in regards to Ryan (thank God!). She says “he seems to think he’s got me wrapped around his finger, but I’m onto him.”

Head injury Charlie does not receive a rose, which comes as something of a surprise. Pony tail Michael also goes home. Both cry, sending the tally of criers who went home this week up to 4. And proving once again that beauty makes people cry, and that beautiful Emily does not seem terribly attracted to more emotive men.

We get a preview of next week when someone allegedly makes a comment about little Ricki being “baggage.” Emily loses her temper, becoming so angry that she swears and elaborates gory violent fantasies. We can only hope the idiot in question is loose-lipped Ryan revealing his true colors, and that he goes home as a result.

Stop Shopping for a Dad

Hope everyone had a fantastic Memorial Day Weekend!  Ours was fun, relaxing, delicious and very productive.  It was a big weekend for Ian filled with some cool firsts.  We got him his passport and his very own iPad.  (I’m almost embarrassed to admit this but its my first Apple product too)  So any apps you’d recommend is greatly appreciated.

I can’t even think back as far as Friday (it feels like a very long time ago)  Saturday afternoon we had a food fest at Madison Square Eats.  It’s happening through this Friday, June 1st so there’s still time to go grab a Red Hook lobster roll and/or a Roberta’s personal pizza.  Mmmmmmm!  Sunday my husband enjoyed corned beef hash from Sarge’s (which reminds me I have half a sandwich left-over for lunch)

We watched some good TV –MadMen–and plenty of not so stellar shows.

The word “Bachelorette” conjures up images of someone who looks like Emily.  Blonde, in great shape, stylish, Barbie-dollesque, great chest (verdict is still out on if they’re real or not), sweet, straight pearly whites, friendly, comfortable in her own skin……  BUT the one descriptor not on every guy’s list for the perfect bachelorette is “mom.”  Unfortunately, not even for one minute does Emily ever let anyone forget that she is a mom.

As writer Aly Walansky tweeted last night, “If there’s a lot more to you than being a mom, Emily, why do you speak about NOTHING ELSE?”

As she interrogates the guys I want to scream, “Stop shopping for a DAD.”

I also wanted to scream to Tony to go home where you are loved.  I have so much respect for Emily telling Tony to go home to his son Taylor.  That’s where he belongs.

Just because producers put good-looking people together doesn’t mean sparks will fly, there will be crazy entertainment that translates to the TV viewers.  I am BORED to tears so far.  A fan tweeted Chris Harrison last night asking when they leave North Carolina.  I don’t think it matters where in the world they are.  On the plus side, I am enjoying Emily’s wardrobe and Possessionista’s commentary on it.

As Emily continues to weed out the boys from the men, I remain optimistic that this show can find the magic it once had.  The good eggs are Doug and Sean.  I don’t know what everyone sees in Jef.  He certainly doesn’t scream father material to me.  Although I could see him as a cool Big Brother.  Ryan was my early favorite –but more as the next Bachelor than Emily’s future mate.  I am thrilled Stevie is gone.

Next week’s episode is on my birthday (June 4th) so I hope they make it extra special for me in Bermuda.  Cast and crew stayed at Rosewood Tucker’s Point.  I think there’s a two-on-one date which means one contestant will be forced to leave on the date.  Ouch!  Will it be one of your favs?

Media Opportunities (Once a Publicist, Always a Publicist!)

Yes, I promised I was on break through the long weekend BUT I was just made aware of this media opportunity which I felt was my duty to pass along to all my faithful readers:

Now casting: Upper East Side Super-Moms.  You know who you are! Your children have attended the best schools, thanks to you. Your children have everything they want, thanks to you. Your children are everything to you and you will do anything for them. Your children are gifted and talented, and your not just saying that because its your child.     If you think you are one of the Upper East Side’s Uber-Moms, and your children are 6-17 years old, or if you know someone who is, we are looking for you for a new show about the lifestyles of Uber-Moms on the Upper East Side.   Please submit pictures, contact information and a brief paragraph describing your situation. RobertMCasting@gmail.com   Submit as soon as possible. The faster you submit, the faster the response. Deadline is this Saturday, May 26, 2012.

And while I happen to be posting, I can’t help but do a bit more bragging about MYSELF.  Today is the day that Nickelodeon’s Parents Connect featured ME on their “Sexy Mama Bootcamp.”  To say I am flattered is an understatement!

Do me the honors and check it out here:

http://www.parentsconnect.com/parents/entertainment/online-parties/sexy-mama-bootcamp-message-board/156515

While you’re there, you could win a sexy new bedroom set from Overstock.

I asked my husband how he feels being married to someone with this title and kinda demanded he come home with roses!  Don’t you think I deserve them?

So I haven’t made it much of a secret how much I enjoyed 50 Shades of Grey.  Breezy Mama made this fun vlog which I’m included in (not until around 4:40)  My fav pic is the guy with the …..(you gotta watch the video to see!)

Video: Photos of Moms Reading 50 Shades of Grey

Again, Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

(And honey, don’t forget those flowers!  It’ll be a nice touch for date night with your friends tonight!)

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