Today, Thursday, May 17, 2012, “shoulda, woulda, coulda” been my due date for baby #2/Ian’s baby sister or brother.
Prior to this post, I have not written about the miscarriage I suffered last Halloween. No need to try to do any calculations – I was 11 weeks along. Although it was a doomed, rollercoaster of a ride from the get-go. I would never wish what I went through on my worst enemy.
Miscarriage is such a personal and touchy subject. I really wish it wasn’t so taboo. My husband wasn’t ready for us to share it with others and I had to respect his feelings.
Now 7 months later, I could get into the nitty gritty details, but does it matter? Part of me knows it would be therapeutic to write about it, as well as help others, but I also don’t really want to relive such a painful experience again.
I was able to have the embryo tested and did receive closure when the test results came back in December. Trisomy 16, a chromosomal abnormality in which there are 3 copies of chromosome 16 rather than two, is not compatible with life and is the most common chromosomal cause of miscarriages during the first trimester of pregnancy(causing over 100,000 miscarriages annually in the U.S. alone).
I really like even numbers, particularly 2, 4 and 10. Instead of sweet 16, I have soured on this particular digit.
The past few weeks it has been more difficult because I can’t help but think that I was supposed to be giving birth to a baby right around now.
As someone who has gone through a miscarriage, I will offer this advice to those reading this entry.
* Be sensitive when asking someone if they are going to be expanding their family
* If you are being told about a miscarriage, do NOT tell the person it happened for a reason, or it wasn’t meant to be. Just listen. There is really nothing you can say to ease the pain and heartache. Your comments, while well-meaning, will probably upset the female more.
* Technicians and the medical staff need to remember the importance of bedside manner. Yes, you see this happen on too regular a basis but gruffly announcing “No heartbeat” to a hormonal women while she has her legs in stir-ups is inappropriate. It’s not as if you’re telling her about a sprained ankle.
Here’s a piece Lil Sugar ran earlier this month (it is pregnancy awareness month) which is spot on.
I wear three bands on my left hand. One is my wedding band. Above that is a band with blue saphires which represents my one year anniversary and the birth of my son, “Baby I”, who was born 5 days after we stopped being newlyweds. And below that is a tiny plain band for the one we lost.
It was too early to confirm the gender, but I suspect it was a girl because I felt so different than I did while pregnant with my son. At our first ob/gyn appointment at 8 weeks when we were told the pregnancy seemed unviable, I decided I needed to have “faith.” So this became the middle name–also after my Grandma Frances.
What got me through is that I am blessed to have one wonderful, happy and healthy son. If this had been my first pregnancy, I imagine it would have been so much more difficult.
I continue to have FAITH.
*****Since writing this, I have suffered a second miscarriage. I know everything happens for a reason, but I can’t help wondering WHY. I should not have started recording in the Belly Book the moment the home pregnancy test was positive. Now I have what seems like a collection of only first-trimesters filled out on two fragile periods of my life that I do not want to remember and yet will never ever forget. How unfair that only one week before what should have been my second child’s due date, I had to have a d and c. While May is National Pregnancy Awareness Month, I think awareness of miscarriage is something our society needs a lot more to focus on. Expect many more posts on this topic.
If you’ve unfortunately had any experiences pertaining to miscarriages, please comment below.